"I have a bad feeling about this," says the young Obi-Wan Kenobi (played by Ewan McGregor) in Star Wars: Episode I, The Phantom Menace as he steps off a spaceship and into the most anticipated cinematic event... well, ever. He might as well be speaking for the legions of fans of the original episodes in the Star Wars saga who can't help but secretly ask themselves: Sure, this is Star Wars, but is it my Star Wars? The original elevated moviegoers' expectations so high that it would have been impossible for any subsequent film to meet them. And as with all the Star Wars movies, The Phantom Menace features inexplicable plot twists, a fistful of loose threads, and some cheek-chewing dialogue. Han Solo's swagger is sorely missed, as is the pervading menace of heavy-breather Darth Vader. There is still way too much quasi-mystical mumbo jumbo, and some of what was fresh about Star Wars 22 years earlier feels formulaic. Yet there's much to admire. The special effects are stupendous; three worlds are populated with a mélange of creatures, flora, and horizons rendered in absolute detail. The action and battle scenes are breathtaking in their complexity. And one particular sequence of the film--the adrenaline-infused pod race through the Tatooine desert--makes the chariot race in Ben-Hur look like a Sunday stroll through the park.

Among the host of new characters, there are a few familiar walk-ons. We witness the first meeting between R2-D2 and C-3PO, Jabba the Hutt looks younger and slimmer (but not young and slim), and Yoda is as crabby as ever. Natalie Portman's stately Queen Amidala sports hairdos that make Princess Leia look dowdy and wields a mean laser. We never bond with Jedi Knight Qui-Gon Jinn (Liam Neeson), and Obi-Wan's day is yet to come. Jar Jar Binks, a cross between a Muppet, a frog, and a hippie, provides many of the movie's lighter moments, while Sith Lord Darth Maul is a formidable force. Baby-faced Anakin Skywalker (Jake Lloyd) looks too young and innocent to command the powers of the Force or wield a lightsaber (much less transmute into the future Darth Vader), but his boyish exuberance wins over skeptics.

THE MAGIC IS DEAD -- LUCAS KILLED IT

This was one painful experience, having to witness something as fun, engaging, and noble as Star Wars degenerate into manure.

The Force deserted George Lucas a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.

A mildly entertaining way to spend some time

Unfortunately, they killed off the two most interesting characters in the whole saga: Qui-Gon Jinn and Darth Maul. Ray Park simply oozed evil in his portrayal of Darth Maul, making him one of the most memorable movie villains of all time. He far surpassed Emperor Palpatine in his portrayal of hatred. In addition, he showed us why the Jedi so feared the Sith. He is skilled and deadly. Qui-Gon is masterfully played by Liam Neeson, in my estimation, one of the best actors in the world today. You can alost see the lines of power as he reaches out to The Force with his feelings.

Unfortunately, this movie also suffers from some unforgivable sins. First and foremost, Jake Lloyd (as Annakin Skywalker) couldn't act his way out of a paper bag. He is truly awful. Natalie Portman has certainly acted better, as well. Her performance seems uninspired and forced. Yoda looked terrible, and overall, the movie seemed lackluster, almost as if it were made for the sole purpose of bringing the Star Wars franchise back into the spotlight at the expense of good film making.

Disappointing, but a necessary buildup to the eventual fall of Annakin Skywalker to The Dark Side, and his recreation as Darth Vader.

The Atrocity Exhibition

So a long, long time ago, in a Galaxy far away, we are told, a young boy, a promising child, steeped in the ways of the Force though ignorant of his destiny, was born to a slave-mother on a backwater desert world.

Now: imagine it is 1998. Imagine yourself flush with excitement, coming down off the adrenaline rush of seeing the then merely-remastered (and slightly tinkered-with) original trilogy making a triumphal theatrical run. Imagine the fever-dream of possibilities: the arid, dream-killing landscape of Tatooine, the nascent, frightening power of a small boy, a Power that could still be turned to the Force, should only his Jedi minders find him before the Forces of the Sith did.

Imagine the coming of the Darkness; the lengthening of the Shadow. Imagine what "The Phantom Menace"---promisingly, pulpily titled---could have delivered.

Then cry in Despair, O Prince, to see what atrocity shambled forth, weep bitter tears in the bleak, cold, hard face of What Might Have Been, gaze upon what issued forth from Lucas's gaping maw to strut and fret its our upon the Stage. But mainly to Fret.

So take what the fans want: blackhearted, dastardly Sith villains, including the war-faced Darth Maul; epic light saber duels between the frantic Jedi and their Sith adversaries; and hopefully a close-encounter with the brooding child who would grow up to stalk the gantry stations of many a cringing Rebel base as Darth Vader.

What did Lucas serve up: he gave Darth Maul perhaps 3 seconds of screen time, flushed him down the cinematic equivalent of a commode (sliced neatly in half, no less, just when the movie had ratcheted up some dramatic tension), and devoted the rest to Jar-Jar Binks, and his entire misbegotten race of pseudo-Rastafarian gob-stopper slinging toads. After Phantom Menace, I gained a newfound appreciation for the Imperial "Humans Only" rule.

Oh, and there's Jake Lloyd as Little Darth. Who amongs us can forget Jake Lloyd?

Yes---some would counter, rightly, that Lucas offered us something new in the realm of digital effects. But special effects should *accentuate* the drama, not supplant it.

Aside from a nice, dramatic soundtrack (starved by the utter absence of anything approaching dramatic tension or pacing in the film), this is sound and fury, signifying nothing.

JSG